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Parent Coaching Cards - A Review from the Newsletter Of CH.A.D.D. of Upper Bux-Mont PA

Marie Knox-Pomerantz, of King of Prussia, sought out Richfield when her son Scott was a kindergartner who refused to speak aloud in class or on the playground. "He said his voice didn't work," said Knox-Pomerantz. "When you have a kid like mine - 5, 6 years old, afraid of other kids, afraid of the playground, afraid of birthday parties...what was so helpful was how (the Cards) took these situations step by step, teaching him how to meet other kids."

By rereading the Cards on occasion, Knox-Pomerantz found she could help her son find ways to get over his fears. "He still has episodes," she said, "but I'm quite pleased." The 4-by-5-inch cards, laminated and held together with a steel key ring, are meant to be handled often and kept someplace handy - even in a bookbag, if conflict at school is the issue. Each card has a title, such as "Thinking Side And Reacting Side" and "Don't Take The Bait." And the narrative on each card is a to-the-point account of a particular social problem, with possible solutions. For instance, the card counseling a child about "stepping into your cantaloupe skin" starts out by describing how "there are a lot of things in life that hurt our feelings....When you have your banana skin on, you feel bruised..." so try wearing a thicker skin.

Richfield, 37, with offices in Norristown and Allentown, specializes in the treatment of disruptive behavior disorders and sees families with children diagnosed as having attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), known for their short attention span and behaviors that are difficult for both child and parent to manage. Richfield recalled how he found himself hearing out clients - that is to say, parents at their wit's end - and eventually recognized that he was hearing the same laments over and over again. "I grew impatient with the passive, nondirective approach that traditional psychotherapists are trained to enter into," said Richfield. "The themes were so familiar and repetitive in my work. I was hearing the same story over and over, I found I could anticipate what the parent would say." Then, as his first son grew older, "my theoretical and practical wheels started spinning."

Advice offered in the cards is straightforward, common-sensical. Their value may lie in the very fact that they get carried home - and are therefore within easy reach. "Most interventions for families with behavior-problem children involve coming to a clinic, being given advice about what to do and then sending the parents home to deal with the problem," said Dr. Russell Barkley, a Boston psychologist, editor of The ADHD Report and author of the book, Taking Charge Of ADHD. But when parents find themselves in what Barkley characterized as "the throes of some trauma," they are hard-pressed to recall all those sage words of advice. The Coaching Cards are useful, said Barkley, precisely because they are at hand when a crisis erupts. Richfield's parent-coaching approach also is reflective of fresh efforts to counsel young people in conflict resolution and in ways to "stop and think" about consequences before they plunge into bad behavior.

Dozens of elementary schools in the suburbs are using a program developed by a Florida educator known for it's red "stop and think" signs that decorate hallways and classrooms. Guided by their teachers, children are learning ways to avoid confrontations and to bring their emotions under control. The Coaching Cards have won praise from parents and from colleagues. Therapist Alice D'Antoni-Phillips of Myrtle Beach, S.C., said she now counsels children "to develop an alligator hide." "There's not a lot out there for parents and teachers in terms of usable tools to work with children with learning problems and attention deficit disorders in particular," said D'Antoni-Phillips. "I tell my kids, if I can teach you anything, it's that you can't change anybody else...but when you change your behavior, other people change in response. So I teach them these people skills - relationship skills - that make life more manageable," she said. A shortcoming with the cards is that they are written for children who can read, and D'Antoni-Phillips has urged Richfield to write cards aimed at first grade readers.

Susan Sozogni's 9-year-old son, Chris, has ADHD and is, in the parlance of therapists, "very noncompliant." After absorbing the lessons from several of the cards, Sozogni said, she found that her role in tense situations had shifted. "When he's out of control, angry, and distrustful, I'm not the big bad parent but the coach trying to give him certain skills." Having this role, she said, "keeps you from just shouting at your child, screaming, getting mad." On a recent rainy evening, Richfield was handing out sample cards to about 30 adults - many of them mothers coping with rebellious adolescents - at a parents' event at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School. Also attending were several counselors more than ready to share accounts of teenagers in crisis - and of parents who might be well served by a different set of coaching cards, ones with such titles as "Growing up before your kids do" and "If you don't say no, who will?"

The introductory card to Richfield's set talks about a child's "thinking side" and his "reacting side." Speaking directly to the child, the card talks about reactions that "can cause us to say and do things that create problems." "That's why," the card states, "it's better to keep your thinking side in charge of what you say and do." As Richfield talked, his audience thumbed through the cards. "What I'm getting ," said one parent, "is that I can take all these situations and show my child how similar they are to what's happening in his life." Is there a place in Richfield's system for discipline? another parent asked. Yes, he replied, children need to learn there are consequences to misbehavior. But if the parent limits his role to disciplinarian, the therapist said, an opportunity is lost to guide, coach, instruct on other ways to behave. "You want your child to wrestle with the issue," Richfield said, "not with you."

Richfield and his wife, Caryn, also a therapist, have two sons, Jeremy, 8, and Jesse, 5 next month. His own preference in parenting styles, said Richfield, is "firm assertive rather than authoritarian...more a mixture of high warmth, high nurturing, high active guiding, along with firm adherence to basic values and rules." And yes, the Richfield boys are growing up knowing all about cantaloupe skins and not taking the bait and the time-honored "You Can't Always Get What You Want" - and a few more adages that have yet to make their way into Richfield's Parent Coaching ring of cards.

PARENT COACHING CARDS: A SYSTEM FOR GUIDING CHILDREN TOWARD BEHAVIORAL SUCCESS

by Steven A. Richfield, Psy.D.

reprinted from THE ADHD REPORT
Copyright Guilford Publications, Inc.
72 Spring Street,
New York, NY 10012

This article is posted with permission of Guilford Publications, Inc. and is subject to copyright law and restricted from further use. No part of this article may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without prior written permission of the publisher.

Parents of children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) routinely contend with a high degree of challenge as they navigate their offspring through the hurdles of childhood. Whether it be advocating for appropriate accommodations in the classroom, preparing their child to visit an unfamiliar place, or instilling good organizational skills, ADHD requires that parents take an active and enlightened role in their children's lives. The stress produced by all of this "navigational support", in addition to the typical ADHD-intensified behavior problems, can leave even the most road-tested parents in a weakened state of mind. Since so much energy is usually devoted to helping make the outside world more manageable to the ADHD child, parents often find their energy sources depleted when behavior problems arise at home.

Intense and recurrent episodes of noncompliance, temper tantrums, sibling rivalry, or emotional oversensitivity on the part of the ADHD child represent some of the more formidable challenges faced by parents at home. When confronted by such scenarios, a parentsŐ own problem solving skills and frustration tolerance may be challenged. In an effort to quickly extinguish the problematic episodes, parents may respond in varying ways. For example, while some may react in harsh and punitive styles, others may unduly cater to the childŐs wishes. These approaches may work in the short run, however they fail to guide a child toward specifically overcoming such problematic behaviors. Ultimately, the behavior problems often intensify and the bond between parents and child is further strained by the cycle of conflict.

As a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of Disruptive Behavior Disorders, much of my professional time is devoted to the needs of parents who find themselves in this predicament. Upon approaching me for help, their home life feels more like a battleground of power struggles than a place where nurturing, learning, and happiness reside. As a father of two wonderful, yet rambunctious school-aged boys myself, I can easily appreciate what it must feel like since glimpses of such conflict-torn interactions are familiar to all parents. In fact such personal experiences have been a wellspring for many of the parenting paradigms and techniques that I have developed and implemented in my clinical practice. During the past few years, I have been weaving these ideas into a cohesive model for parenting behavior disordered children. I call this model Parent Coaching.

Parent Coaching is a system for skillful and proactive parental intervention. One of the underlying rationales is that parents are in the ideal position to be child behavior change agents because family life mirrors so many of the real world challenges that children face. Yet, when parents are narrowly concerned with the outcome of their disciplinary efforts, and not the process by which they got there, opportunities to "coach" their child toward proper self-governed behavior are overlooked. A parent coach anticipates these situations and comes prepared to step into the coaching role. The coaching role stresses that no matter what problem is presented by the child, the parent ensures that their approach makes clear that they are on the same side as the child. This is supported by a viewpoint of behavior problems as opportunities to join with the child to review the triggers of the problem, consider corrective solutions, and reinforce healthy adaptation. Children are much more likely to accept such help if parents can approach their children's problems from a nonadversarial "coaching" position rather than an anger inducing "policing" position. As with any systematic parent training program, this approach requires parents to have an repertoire of behavior management tools and a deliberate, composed attitude within which to use them.

In an effort to expand parents' repertoire, and facilitate a coaching attitude, I have developed Parent Coaching Cards. They offer parents an immediately available reference tool when circumstances in family life require an enlightened, nonpunitive, and planful response. Although the cards are designed to be initially used by parents, they are written to appeal to a child's mind. The cards portray some of the most typical experiences of school-aged children. The language captures their concerns for acceptance, sensitivity to failure, vulnerability to peer pressure, tendency to oppose authority, and other important developmental issues. Each card is devoted to a particular skill lesson and divided into two sections; the first explains when the skill is needed and the second offers a "talk-to-yourself" message that reinforces the assimilation of the skill. The lessons are printed on 4" x 5 post cards that are laminated for durability and bond with A key ring. set Of ten is currently available the following titles: Thinking Side Reacting Stop Think First To Talk Smart Cooperation Stepping Into Your Cantaloupe Skin Don Take Bait You Can Always Get What Want Trust Jealous Feelings Beat Fear Importance Quick Recovery Repair Tear. better acquaint readers format I will provide full text from card >

"Stepping Into Your Cantaloupe Skin:"
There are a lot of things in life that hurt our feelings - being teased, getting punished, receiving criticism , not being invited to a party, and stuff like that. When you have your banana skin on, you feel bruised by these "hard knocks," and spend a lot of time feeling angry and hurt. Sometimes your reacting side makes you want to hurt others so that you are not the only one feeling bad. When this happens, try reading this talk-to- yourself message: Having my feelings hurt is part of life. I can't stop it from happening from time to time. I must remember that although I feel bad right now, I am not a bad person. I do a lot of things just fine and people notice me for those strengths. I need to remember my successes right now and the pride that I feel and others feel about all that I am capable of. I can use that pride to grow a thicker skin to recover from my hurt right now. I need my thinking side to help me through these feelings.

The cards are typically introduced to parents at the completion of an evaluation where behavior problems are a source of concern. (Sometimes I have already shown certain cards to the child during individual appointments in order to "test the waters.") I share with parents my belief that one of our most important jobs as parents is to guide our children towards developing the behavior skills to succeed in life.

Skills, such as cooperation, recovery from disappointment, and age-appropriate self-control enrich children's life experience and aid their use of social and intellectual skills. Certain emotions, such as anger, jealousy, and the problem behaviors they give rise to, often interfere with childrens' attempts at social and academic success. These same emotions and behaviors disturb the family peace and leave parents wondering how they can help their child better manage the situations in life that trigger these interferences. I explain that Parent Coaching Cards were developed as tools for coaching the skills that children need for victory over interfering feelings and behaviors.

Parents are often intrigued by the notion of coaching self-help behavior skills and strategies to their child but typically express caution that their child will not freely accept such assistance. Some of the time their worry is justified: the climate at home has deteriorated to such a degree that the child demeans parental authority. In these cases, the child may require a "therapeutic warming up" to the cards through individual and/or family appointments. When parent-child conflict is particularly acute, I will invite parents into a child's appointment to model how to employ the cards in a nonthreatening, collaborative manner. With other cases, a child's willingness to respond to the cards can be cultivated through discussion of how rewards increase and punishments decrease when children are willing to be coached. If necessary, a behavior contract is drawn up that pairs the proper use of the cards with specific reinforcers.

Not all cases require such preparatory therapeutic work for Parent Coaching Cards to provide benefit. Since they are offered on a mail order basis, many parents have used them without any clinical intervention. In those situations, parents are advised to slowly introduce the language depicted, i.e., "step into your cantaloupe skin" to signify the need for the child to emotionally prepare themselves to deal with a potential triggering event. Since many of the skills are applicable to adult life, parents are encouraged to refer to the cards' self-help strategies when discussing their own daily life experiences. This modeling can pave the way for children to be more receptive to the language. Some family situations are amenable to a parent sitting down with their child and reading the content of the cards out loud, suggesting places where both of them might use the skills, and then leaving them somewhere where they can be turned to when needed. As the child becomes familiar with the message on the card, parents can paraphrase the language in order to prompt the use of the self-instructional message. For instance, "Remember Jeremy, this is a place where you probably need your cantaloupe skin."

Children spanning a wide age range have benefited from Parent Coaching Cards. Younger children, between ages five to ten, require more direct parental involvement to learn how the cards apply to real life. When appropriate parents can suggest how certain skills are depicted on television shows or encourage role play to get children accustomed to using adaptive self-talk. Children over ten-years-old may be willing and able to use the cards on a relatively autonomous basis, with perhaps a little help from parents to get them started. Ideally, the older child requires less and less coaching as they become more adept at using the skills on each of the cards. Several of my ADHD patients have been amenable to using the cards in school to aid compliance with a broader behavior management program. In these cases, the cards are often kept within a zippered pencil pouch to protect the childŐs privacy. When behavior problems occur teachers are encouraged to offer children the option of quietly reviewing their cards rather than face disciplinary consequences. This option often greatly curtails the need for teachers to remove children from the classroom due to chronic disruptive behavior.

One clinical example of how Parent Coaching Cards reduced parent-child conflict and promoted pro-social school behavior involves fourteen-year-old Adam. Adam had been diagnosed with ADHD at age 11 and responded well to psychostimulant treatment. As Adam entered adolescence, his parents noticed him lagging further and further behind his peers in the areas of maturity, social judgment, and "silly attention-seeking."

Although his academic performance continued satisfactorily, Adam was brought for treatment to "learn to grow up." Adam also recognized that he was falling behind his peer group and antagonizing his family members with his immature escapades. But like a lot of ADHD teenagers, he lacked the skills to do anything about it. When shown the Coaching Cards, (I often drop the word "Parent" when suggesting the cards to older kids) he was immediately relieved that I could offer him something tangible to take home and use. He wasted no time in doing so. During sessions, he reported how the cards were relied upon during the intervening week, especially "Don't Take The Bait" and "Stop And Think First To Talk Smart." The cards made it much easier for him to inhibit much of the impulsive speech and behavior that proved so troublesome in his peer group and family relations. In turn, Adam could benefit more from therapy sessions since instead of "putting out fires" at home and school we could focus upon expanding and refining his social and problem solving skills in the context of his specific life circumstances.

Adam's case demonstrates how Parent Coaching Cards can provide swift therapeutic impact in the hands of a bright and motivated ADHD teen. The value of using the cards soon became so apparent to him that his parents offered little direct coaching. In keeping with the normal autonomy of adolescence, he did it on his own. If faced with a conflict with his parents, he reviewed the cards in private and thereby summoned the behavioral skills needed for resolution. His parents were especially pleased by this outcome because they no longer got trapped in the old cycle of conflict. During collateral parent counseling sessions, I suggested that if Adam began acting out his problem behaviors they should refrain from scolding and merely explain that they would continue spending time with him after he reviewed the cards. This condition significantly reduced the intensity of conflict surrounding many emotionally charged issues.

The case of ten-year-old Allison more closely demonstrates the use of Parent Coaching Cards by parents. A consultation was initiated after unsuccessful individual psychotherapy treatment left the parents feeling helpless and frustrated due to their "bystander" status in the prior effort. Evaluation found Allison to fulfill criteria for ADHD and ODD (Opposi- tional Defiant Disorder). Problems with noncompliance, emotional overreactivity, and peer relations were the chief areas of concern in Allison's home and school functioning. Yet, despite her argumentative nature, Allison desperately wanted to be accepted by others and enjoy popularity at school. The cards were introduced as a means to help her overcome the hurdles to being seen as more popular and mature by her peers. This incentive served as a hook, much like in the prior case of Adam, because her peer group's receptiveness increased as her pro-social and "thinking side" behaviors were in greater evidence. She agreed to carry the cards to school and was offered a private place to review them if needed.

Allison's choice to keep the cards at school foreshadowed her reluctance to use them at home. This stance is common to oppositional ADHD children who readily perceive the cards as a threat to their "freedom," e.g. control, at home. Therapeutic efforts to soften up her resistance met with the same angry withdrawal and intimidation tactics familiar to her Allison's parents. Despite the progress she was exhibiting at school, her extreme defiance at home continued. Much to her dismay, a comprehensive behavior management plan was established through parent counseling sessions. When this was unveiled in an appointment attended by all three, her protests grew even more resounding. She issued many threats of greater noncompliance in an attempt to scare her parents into submission.

But by this point they had found the resolve to continue with the program of firm limits and enlightened coaching until their daughter learned to accommodate to their structure in the same way she was doing at school. Before too long, Allison began to gradually relinquish her attempts to control her parents through manipulation and overreactions since her parents refused "to take the bait."

The critical ingredient in enlarging the scope of intervention in AllisonŐs case was to bring her parents directly into the therapeutic arena. While this may be the goal of many behavior modification efforts with ADHD children, success tends to hinge upon the degree of empowerment felt by the parents. Parents who have been contending with years of chronic problem behaviors tend to feel less empowered and more overpowered by their childŐs obstinacy. This was the case for Alliso's parents as well when parent counseling began. By gradually exposing the family factors that were continuing to perpetuate the problems, and substituting age-appropriate expectation, consequences, and tools for "parental intervention," Allison's parents felt the empowerment so vital to guide and sustain behavior change in ADHD and ODD children.

Parent Coaching Cards had a pivotal role in giving the parents an empowering tool to refer to when the going got tough with Allison. Although Allison would rarely participate in any voluntary collaborative discussion about the skills depicted on the cards her parents made frequent mention of them and they were never far from their own thoughts when behavior problems were threatened. Thus, the Parent Coaching system could be quickly accessed and the empowering attitudes that went along with it.

These two cases demonstrate how the employment of Parent Coaching Cards can be individualized to the needs of the child and parents. This versatility also allows different users to blend them to a particular style or location. As with other tools offered for ADHD, Parent Coaching Cards are designed to be but one component in a parents' multi-modal approach to this condition. But perhaps more than other tools, these cards hold the promise of diminishing parent-child conflict by establishing a path of collaboration and problem solving between parent and child. When the relationship between parent and child can be protected from the damage of protracted conflict, a child's efforts in the face of ADHD stand a much greater chance of success. Parents can intuitively appreciate that this protection of the parent-child bond is essential if other multi-modal treatment efforts are to provide the greatest benefit, no matter what condition a child is suffering.

Dr. Richfield is a licensed clinical psychologist who is in full-time private practice in the Philadelphia suburbs. His practice is primarily devoted to the needs of ADHD adults and children. He can be contacted directly for further information on Parent Coaching Cards and workshops at P.O. Box 1263 - Blue Bell, PA 19422. Phone/Fax inquiries to (610) 275-0178.

Parent Coaching Cards: Helping Our Children Develop the Emotional Skills to Succeed

Chapter C.H.A.D.D.E.R.
The Newsletter Of CH.A.D.D. of Upper BuxMont

In February of 1995, I was invited to submit an article to Chapter C.H.A.D.D.er about a Parent Training model that I had developed for use with parents of ADHD and oppositional children. I had just delivered a framework of the model to an audience at Northwestern Institute. Many of those attending asked if my ideas were available in manuscript form. Unfortunately, I couldn't offer any "take home" materials at that time.

The model is called Parent Coaching. It is based upon my belief that one of the fundamental jobs of parenting is to provide our children with the necessary skills to succeed in life. This notion of being a life skills coach that seeks to translate problem behaviors into opportunities to intervene with corrective strategies is a product of my personal and professional experiences.

Although I have continued to train parents in my private practice to become effective Parent Coaches, I have not been able to invest the necessary time to expand the model into a book. Yet, I have searched for ways to provide hands-on tools to parents and children when they need it most. Of course, the most urgent times don't occur during therapy sessions but during the day to day events in children's lives.

Approximately one year ago, I was conducting a school consultation for a ten year old girl experiencing a host of ADHD related behavior problems. Peer conflicts, oversensitivity, and protracted emotional outbursts were among the major deficits she struggled with at school and home. The teachers looked to me for answers. My answer was the product of careful listening to my patient as she had recently told me about how difficult it was for her to escape the traps of interfering feelings and behaviors. Only days earlier she had pointed out that during the sessions she could realize her mistakes but that she could not translate this awareness into behavior change when she felt gripped by the force of her intense emotions. She asked if I could give her something to take to school. This led to my suggestion that she and I develop written messages for her to take to school and review from time to time. She liked this idea and we drafted what she referred to as her coaching cards. The cards contained short descriptions of the "traps" she must look out for and strategies to employ in order to self-manage the interfering feelings.

The teachers, as well as administrators, were very receptive to the notion of offering my patient the opportunity to review her cards rather than simply responding in a punitive manner as had been the case. It was clear to me that the "heavy handed" approach was only making things worse. Once the teachers backed off a little, and my patient could freely rely on her coaching cards, her behavior began to change for the better. Within a couple of months she was rarely in need of "time out for card review" and had committed most of the relevant coaching points to memory. The intervention was a huge success.

The success of the coaching intervention at school led to the use of similar cards at home. In keeping with the Parent Coaching philosophy, it freed up the parents from their "parent" cop role by inserting a corrective strategy into their parenting repertoire. Rather than threatening to punish or resorting to other intimidation tactics her parents were better able to "team up" with their daughter against the interfering feelings and behavior patterns.

Parent Coaching Cards, as they are now called, offer specific instructions to parents as to what to say to your child when certain behavior problems emerge that require an enlightened parental response. The cards are designed to be used as an immediately available reference tool when parents find themselves in the awkward position of not knowing what response will in the long run help their child better cope with the behavior problem at hand.

Unlike the example of my patient, it is usually the parent who weaves the language of the cards into the relationship with their child. This is made easier by the kid-friendly terms that portray some of the most typical experiences off school-aged children. The language captures their concerns for acceptance, sensitivity to failure, vulnerability to peer pressure, tendency to oppose authority, and other important developmental issues. Each card is written with a particular skills lesson in mind and divided into two sections; the first explains when the skill is needed and the second offers a self-talk message that reinforces the assimilation of the skill.

Younger children, between ages five to ten , will especially benefit from parents verbally modeling the skills in their own life such that the child will better learn how the cards apply. Older children may be willing and able to benefit from the cards on a more self-instructional basis, with perhaps a little help from parents to get them started.

Parent Coaching Cards are designed to be but one component in a parents' multimodal approach to ADHD. But perhaps more than most other resources, these cards hold the promise of diminishing parent-child conflict by establishing a path of collaboration and problem solving between parent and child.

Parent Coaching Cards teach parents how to give support from the sidelines

By Judith Newmark

(This article is being republished with permission of the Post-Dispatch.)
copyright 1998 St. Louis Post Dispatch
Visit the web site of the St. Louis Post Dispatch at POSTnet

It has happened, psychologist Steven Richfield acknowledges with a laugh, that now and again someone has used his Parent Coaching Cards in reverse: From time to time, a child has been known to hand the appropriate card to a parent.

Well, why not? Sometimes a parent might appreciate an apt reminder: "Know When to Back Off," "Repair the Tear" (in relationships), "Be Flexible."

Of course, a parent probably doesn't need the cute cartoons that go with each reminder, and probably could keep the index-sized cards in good shape even if they weren't laminated. But it can't hurt. And the kids for whom the cards are designed may appreciate those touches. The cartoons drive home each message.

And if the cards are made to last, great. Some messages - "Don't Take the Bait" or "Get Into Your Cantaloupe Skin" (don't bruise easily, like a banana; protect yourself with a tougher "cantaloupe skin") - are tough to master when you're 10 years old. They're not so easy at 30 or 40, either.

Some children may find them especially tough. Difficult children - children who are "a handful," who don't seem to pick up on ordinary social signals, who have trouble controlling their impulses, who are easily hurt - often get into trouble for the same things over and over again.

They demand what they want. They do take the bait when others tease them. They can't seem to back off. They aren't flexible.

Many such children have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder; in his private practice in suburban Philadelphia, Richfield sees a lot of children like that.

He often found himself reminding children of the importance of remembering ways to cope with the situations that triggered inappropriate behavior, like talking too much or not paying attention.

But, as a 10-year-old client pointed out to him, "when I leave your office, I forget what you said."

At the same time, Richfield realized that he heard parents say similar things over and over: It was hard to bear special techniques in mind when they were in the throes of "a situation" with their child.

He came up with the cards as a way to address both needs, those of the child and of the parents, on the spot, before things got out of hand.

For the 10-year-old, who tended to talk too much and get carried away, Richfield had written down reminders on index cards, like "When words pop out, watch out."

The original Parent Coaching Cards, which came out about a year and a half ago, looked pretty much like those index cards, he said.

The new set, just out, is more appealing and easier to use.

They are colorful, with a cartoon and a quick reminder on one side, and a longer explanation of the message on the other side.

The cards are attached to each other with a key ring. A child can easily remove a few cards - ones that deal with his or her particular issues - and keep them handy, in a tote bag or school desk, for a little on-the-spot reassurance.

There's also a coloring book version of the cards, especially suitable for younger children who aren't reading a lot.

Even the original set proved very popular, Richfield said. He was, at first, surprised to learn that many parents were using the cards even with children who did not have special behavioral issues to deal with.

But when he thought about it, it made sense; all children have problems with impulse control.

You might say that learning to control one's impulses is a working definition of "growing up."

Besides, he and his wife, Caryn, also a psychologist, have discovered that their own sons, aged 8 and 5, find the cards useful in dealing with day-to-day problems.

Just as important, so do they. Richfield thinks that one of the most helpful things parents can do for their children, whether they have behavior problems or not, is to be a coach.

That means, he says, to provide firm, clear guidance - not angry punishment - when the child runs into difficulty, to show ways to deal with problems, instead of criticism for having problems in the first place, and to show that you're on the same "team," leading cheers.

Richfield hopes that parents will go over the cards with their children - the quick side during immediate problems, the longer, explanatory side in calmer times.

Most children will need to concentrate on some cards more than others; so will their parents.

The cards are based on the idea that thinking clearly and self-monitoring can affect and improve behavior. It's meant to be a tool box that helps a child master his or her reactions, and as a result enjoy more success at school, at home and in social situations.

But for that to happen, Richfield emphasizes, the parent has to be part of the process. "The parent coach is objective and nurturing, a thoughtful, patient, understanding guide," he said. "Even when children are transgressing, they have to know that you will offer a hug and direction, not come down on them. They need to know that you are there for them, on the sidelines."

By Betsy Gilliland
Colonial Profile (reproduced with permission from The Colonial, Montgomery Newspapers/Fort Washington, PA)
July 2-8 1998

From the pitchback in the front yard to the below-regulation-height basketball goal along the driveway to the mammoth wooden play set in the fenced-in back yard, a visit to the home-based practice of Dr. Steven Richfield, a Norristown child psychologist, indicates that he is a professional who knows his craft.
Although he sees many patients who suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, "Dr. Steve" has devised a system to help all children - and their parents -get through the tough times when a child's world starts spinning out of control. The proactive system takes the form of "Parent Coaching Cards," a laminated set of 20 colorful , four-by-six index cards. Bound together by a metal ring, the cards feature a problem statement and a cartoon illustration on one side and a kid-friendly "talk-to-yourself" message on the back. Also included are an instructional book for parents and a coloring book to reinforce the concepts for younger children.

Richfield first developed the cards two years ago when he was working with a young girl. During a counseling session, Lauren McMakin, then 10 years old, suggested, "why don't you write down what you just told me on a card." Richfield took his patientŐs advice. The Parent Coaching Cards were born, giving children tangible reminders to Know When To Back Off, Repair The Tear, and Step Into Your Cantaloupe Skin. "They needed to take something with them so they could help themselves," explains the soft-spoken psychologist.

Lauren's favorite card, "Don't Take The Bait", reads in part, "Life is filled with all sorts of situations that may lead to trouble...Maybe someone calls you a name or dares you to follow them into bad behavior...I have to be on the look out so I don't get baited into behaving badly. Getting baited can happen anytime, anywhere - and with anybody...Do not follow the other person's lead...Give yourself time to think it through some more, or to talk the situation over with someone you trust. Don't take the bait!" She often took the set of cards to school with her for easy reference when she needed to handle a difficult situation. Now, however, says Lauren, "they're pretty much in my brain."

The cards are designed to help children "manage their impulses and to make good social choices," Richfield says. By allowing the parent to adopt the role of "coach" rather than "police," the two parties can work together as a team to achieve the same goal. "Parents have to become an active part in the process," stresses Richfield. "The cards can limit the duration of therapy...when the parents are reinforcing the skills at home."

Many parents find the information useful in their own lives as well. The cards help in situations ranging from controlling temper tantrums (by children and parents) to dispelling fears of a booster shot. "It gives you a starting point," says Macungie resident Diane McMakin. "I'm using them a lot myself for dealing with (my daughter) in situations," says Ellin Hlebik of Worcester, "I read them to myself. I read them out loud...We take them everywhere."

She believes that it is important for her daughter, Julie, 11, to see her use the cards. Once when she lost her temper, Hlebik says, Julie "turned into the coach." Using the language on the cards, mother and daughter were able to communicate with each other to regain control over a difficult situation. "The hardest and last part, of course, is the usage in the situation," Hlebik admits. "Can you put on your cantaloupe skin at the right moment?" Using the cards whenever she needs them, Julie says, "I like the way they have a 'talk to yourself' message that helps you know what to do, and I like the pictures on the front, too."

The Parent Coaching Cards gained national and international attention in April 1997 when world-renowned ADHD expert, Dr. Russell Barkley of Massachusetts, invited Richfield to contribute an article to the ADHD Report. His paper, "Parent Coaching Cards: A System For Guiding Children Toward Behavioral Success," led to requests for the cards from around the world. After this overwhelming response, Richfield engaged a graphic designer to upgrade the 10 "homemade" text-only cards to the kid-friendly product currently available. In May of this year he expanded the set to 20 cards.

The cards feature five children - two girls and three boys - of different nationalities. As he refined the illustrations, Richfield says, he would show them to his patients. Some of these children's suggestions ended up in the final versions. His 8-year-old son Jeremy also offered valuable input in the design of the cards. "I helped with how the characters should move," Jeremy says. "In the Think And Plan Ahead Card, I told my dad for the girl to have her arm at her chin to look like she's thinking." He also came up with the idea to use stairs on the Slow To Success card, he adds.

The text is divided into two sections - an explanation of when a skill is needed and a "talk-to-yourself" message to reinforce the implementation of the skill. Despite the worldwide attention the cards have received, Richfield says, "my goal is to get them into the classroom so the kids can learn these skills in a friendly way...and parents can follow up with them." The cards, he says, are suited for guidance counseling curriculum to serve as a bridge between instruction at home and at school.

Although the system primarily is geared to children in the third through eighth grades, younger children can benefit from the cards as well. Parents often record the messages for nonreaders on cassettes. Younger children's interest in the cards led to the development of the coloring book. "The younger kids would say, 'can I color that in?'" Richfield notes. With perforated pages ideally suited to remove and post in a conspicuous location, the coloring book serves as a further reminder for younger children to use the skills.

While Richfield and his wife, Caryn, also a psychologist, use the cards with Jeremy and their other son, Jesse, 5, Jeremy has been known to employ the techniques with his friends."When they're getting too rowdy at my house when I invite them over," explains Jeremy, "I tell them to use the card, Find The Brakes."